Between the Bricks

Meanderings of a grown up girl

Category: Uncategorized

Bon Voyage to Self

The other lands are calling. I’ve packed my bag and left things as they should be. This is my life – and it’s ok – a bag and everything as it should be. Time has brought me to this moment and time will take me to another, and another and yet another after that. I am ready. Well, I‘m not struggling at least! The fact is I feel nothing. No excitement, no anticipation, no sadness, no fear – simply nothing. Except, there is a pain in my right ear. Throbbing throbbing throbbing. And, an acute stabbing sensation too. It came out of nowhere and has gradually increased over the past few hours. Like so many things that creep up on us unexpectedly – like ageing! I’m not immune. I’ve been discovering that recently. Did I ever think I was? Yes, ten years ago and more perhaps I did because I never thought about it – and now I do.

You left me. You went away. You took the breath from my body and the blood from my veins. You made a life with someone else. You made a life! And everything in my world stopped. Everything. Tick tock tick tock  – stop. Except the tears and the ageing of course.  They don’t stop. What I saw in the mirror wasn’t the same me and when I thought of you, it wasn’t the same you either. The You you would not have gone away . The You you never wanted to leave me, never could. How come it was so easy?

What fools we are for love!

My ear hurts but that pain will go away – and the other? The endless other? I’ll get used to it, I suppose…

That word again!

I love the word ‘amazing’. I love to attach it to people – those who truly mean something to me, who inspire me, who make me smile, who humble me and who push me to be better by their own actions and outlook. I like to tell people, “You are amazing!” It’s important – important to remember…

But don’t get me wrong – it’s not a word that trips lightly off my tongue. I say it because I mean it and I mean it because I see it and I see it because I feel it. And I can feel it even if I don’t know a person, for those who are truly amazing, known or unknown, emanate a light and a power that engulfs every sentient being within their proximity; they resonate a spirit for life that is undeniable, a spirit that enhances, empowers and enables us to breathe that little bit deeper, for our hearts to beat that little bit stronger; a spirit that inspires us to to want to live amazingly ourselves.

When we desire to live amazingly then we understand what an amazing thing is this journey called life! And how much more amazing when we live it authentically! But what exactly is life? Is it really as simple as a beginning and an end? Or is it all about the living in between? A jigsaw of choices, experiences, people and places; a global school for children of all ages. One big soupy mess. Thorns and roses. A tangle of emotions we spend a lifetime untangling. A dream. One big fat illusion. All of this and nothing. Perhaps simply anything anyone wants it to be. Mundane and ordinary –  or everything but.

Life in between

There was a little girl on the bus this morning, about five years old, chattering away, singing Incy Wincy Spider to her mum. Her mind wandering here and there as children’s thoughts often do, speaking random thoughts out loud; the innocence of childhood. I felt how wonderful it must be to have a child to love – to have the love of a child.  And the tears came.

I glanced out of the window and saw an old man sitting at a bus stop. Saggy wrinkled skin. Dry skin. He too was muttering away; a different kind of chatter. No one was listening. No one paid him any attention.

A little girl with so much to come, a future, so much to learn and understand and yet no sense of what that is. An old man with nearly everything behind him, decades of memories, the future winding down – and every sense of what that means.

Two different ends of life’s spectrum. And the tears came.

The tears come…the tears come…

When you are weary…

When you are weary and every muscle in your body begs you to be still; when every bone of your limbs reverberates with the deepest and dullest ache imaginable; when your nerves pulse uncontrollably sending messages of anxiety and pain to your crumpled soul; when the purple cloak of certainty falls from your shoulders and the exhaustion you feel leaves every cell in your body utterly bewildered – remember. At that moment remember you are alive!

And as you lift up your face to meet the sun’s warm and nurturing gaze, remember also to tell yourself, “I AM AMAZING!”

Shut out the longing

Why do you weep at life? Your hair is thick and your skin is smooth and you know the meaning of a smile! Why do you sigh when you wake each morning? When you open your eyes, you are witness to the greatest gift of all – the light of a brand new day. Your gratitude is the only fare you need to pay as the second hand ticks away. Tick, thank you! Tock, thank you! All else is superfluous. Go on! Step down lightly, raise your face to the sun and smile. You’re very good at that – smiling. If you have no other skill to offer, that’s ok. There is nothing to lament.

Why do you grieve? Why do you scream with anger and frustration within? Alice is nearly 110 years old but you’ll never hear her complain.  Alice experienced the abomination of abominations yet has never lived with anything other than hope, joy, respect and love. Always love. Everything is beauty in the eyes of Alice and everything perfection in her hands. Can you not see the same?

I know that when you lay down your head and breath becomes more laboured it’s because your heart aches and your womb succumbs to the emptiness it carries. But you cannot fill the void with tears and memories of what you will never know.  Those souvenirs are for others, not for you. You need not fear the longing but do not allow it to drown you, for it will try!  Welcome it with a smile, naturally, then politely send it on it’s way – and close the door.

For International Women’s Day – a belated offering

Woman – how is it possible to describe you? Who are you? What are you? Real or imagined – how can we truly know you? It’s written you come from Venus. It’s recorded that you beguiled the gods themselves with cunning. You are blamed for the corruption of man yet worshipped for the birth of a prophet. You bear the pain of humanity from your womb. You are raped, devilled and slaughtered from fear. You are honoured for your courage, your grace, your tenacity. You are the joy that keep dreams afloat. Princes have raged wars over your beauty and entire nations have wept at your demise. Yours are the lips that whisper the truth. You are the rock and the feather. You linger on the surface of what is and yet, you hold the beating heart of man’s very existence in your hands…

 

Farewell myself

Soon I will go on a journey. I will depart with nothing. I will take nothing with me, even myself. I will leave with no knowledge of anything, except the knowing that I am empty, open, ready – ready to receive, to learn, to heal, to change.

It’s time…

We tear you down

Again I walk through the Botanical Gardens and again I feel what it is to be alive. Giants of trees and palm leaves as big as elephant ears, plants that cannot move and yet, though rooted to the spot, never stand still; teaching us how to grow, how to be strong and powerful while at the same time exquisitely beautiful and unassumingly compassionate. Why, oh great arboreal guardians, do you never let us down, when we hardly know you yet continue to abuse you, chop you and uproot you? We tear you down. We tear you down! We are undeserving beasts of such extraordinary gifts.

I meander slowly, attempting a modicum of awareness, seeking out the winding paths, lightly touching overhanging roots with my fingertips, breathing in the sweet aroma of pure white petals, savouring myriad types of green. And yes I feel them, I cannot avoid, I feel them. I close my eyes and ears to feel your beating heart and pulsing veins. Believe me my friends I do feel them.

I love this place but I cannot stay forever and now I must leave.

What’s that you say? Stay a while and…well ok, why not? Yes, let’s dance!

 

Time

Love is all we need,                                                                                                                               But actually it’s time….                                                                                                                           All we need is time.

Do you know you are immortal?

Hit the road running, hit the ground, kick your heels and fly! Let the wind take you wherever you want to go. Have no fear.  Everything has been decided. Ha – nothing has been decided. Nothing is certain, not even this moment, though we live it.

What do you feel? What are you feeling as you float up, up and away? Are you afraid? Why? Are you happy? Why? Do you even know what true happiness is? Do you know the sensation of pure bliss, as it flows through your veins and feeds your soul, giving of life forever? Have you ever experienced true pain, the kind that comes with loss? The loss of a child; the loss of a lover; the loss of identity; of self – the humiliation of self?

You must use your experiences wisely my friend. You have a great advantage you know, for to feel pain is to live and to live is to die and to die is to be immortal.  How foolish we are to dismiss this fact – the very essence of what it is to be human! Why does man shy away from the belief he is immortal? Does he think he has no right to place himself at the right hand of the gods? Oh, foolish creature! The gods are waiting for you to do so! How many chances have you had? How many opportunities must they gift you before you see into the water clearly? What do you want them to tell you? What are you waiting to hear? That you are mites beneath their feet? Then be a mite and forget your very nature! Forget who you are and reap no rewards.

I see clearly now. When the sun rises and warms the heart of us all I feel what it is to know that every cell in my body is alive with love and compassion and power – and the right to define my own future; to shift the earth around me; to be whatever I want to be. I am awake now. I sleep no more! I have left my bed and slumber and dreams behind me. No more dreams. Who needs dreams when we can live them! What are dreams for anyway? To give us the hope of something we have no need for? To send us further and further away from who we are; to create a false world, deepening the illusion we’ve built around us ourselves, these walls, this falsehood? We laugh, we cry, we shout, we scream – and none of it is real. No matter how hard we try through all tempestuous struggles, we cannot make it real. The reality of reality!

Be brave, you mite of the gods, ha ha, be brave! The world is larger than you think. Contrary to belief, it is not yours to own but yours to guard. This world beats far beyond your imagination, and yet, if you do not dare to imagine, you can never beat in tune. That’s the dilemma! You can choose to stand still or you can choose to explore. You can choose to step beyond the familiar into the unknown or simply remain in the mundane. It’s dark at first, without doubt, but the light is waiting for you to discover. Take a peak – it’s just around the corner!